Family Problems
by Talamut
Summary: Ed rants about the problems of his extended family. No flames please. Jsut an attempt at humor. One Shot


All I can say is that I'm sorry in advance. Just a bad attempt at humor.

NOTE:

Sloth is still alive in this.

Al is still the stone.

* * *

"Do you have anything to say before I kill you, Fullmetal pipsqueak?" sneered Envy. The Elric brothers had found the homunculus' secret base. They were currently facing off against Envy, Sloth, Wrath, and Dante.

Edward looked around. They were clearly outnumbered but that didn't mean he was going down without a fight. Al, his brother and the philosopher's stone, was a few feet away, on a transmutation circle.

He straightened up and said with as much conviction as he could, "Why yes, I actually do have a few things to say."

All four of them, plus Al, looked at him in confusion. They had expected ranting about his height (of lack there of) or a smart alack comeback about 'how he was gonna kick their asses', not this. What the hell?

"First things first" Ed started, "this has got to be the most dysfunctional family I have every seen. I mean, sure, some families break up and remarry, but this is ridiculous!"

(Ed has some major family issues, huh?)

"YOU," he said, pointing to Sloth, "You're supposed to be our mom even if you are a water homunculus… thing. Isn't it enough that you died once and then came back and tried to kill me!"

He broke off, and then glared towards Envy. Envy took a step back; obviously, this kid was not in his right state of mind. "And don't even get me started on you" he yelled. "You're supposed to be my older brother or something! You're just like her with trying to kill me."

"Not to mention the mental scaring with that mini skirt. Get a fashion sense. You look like a freaking palm tree! And let's not forget that no one can tell your gender. If I didn't already know you were my _brother_, I wouldn't have been able to tell."

"I know you hate Hohenhiem, hey, I hate him too. Did you ever stop to think 'Oh wait, Edward and Alphonse were also abandoned by that jerk face, hmm….' But no, you didn't even try to think, though I don't even know if you have a brain in that tree of a head of yours."

All five of them were getting a little nervous. Edward was going into a rant mode, which was far worse than Neji's Main House rant. (Couldn't resist).

"What about you?" he said turning to Dante. "You used to be married to that guy! You're like our step mom or something. You shouldn't be trying to kill me. Or use Al to keep your immortality."

Ed apparently forgot that they were in the middle of fighting, and turned to Al.

"And you! What are you supposed to be? Cause all you are now is some king of plot device. I mean, seriously, 'I'm your brother that lost his body, BUT I'm also the philosopher's stone. Now that I think about it all I did was give Ed motivation to go do something.'"

Al looked shocked. Wasn't his brother supposed to be chewing out the enemy? Why was he insulting him?

Ed then looked over to Wrath, lifting up a finger and getting ready to say something. He stopped, realizing that Wrath wasn't really even related to him, even if he did have his arm and leg.

"Um…jeez. Hold on a sec." He said, trying to think,

"I got it. You may not be related to me but technically you are because your related to sensei, and she said that all students and masters are family and since you actually her dead kid that wasn't even born your still kind of related to us even though your not related by blood, but just because of what sensei says… which reminds me, are you technically even made from dead people cause you weren't even really born and stuff, but then again, all homunculus's are are people who had died but then made to look like them. (Wow…that was a combination of Mojo Jojo and a LONG run on sentence.)

They all looked at him like he was crazy…which he probably was.

"I have a headache" said Dante. Run on sentences will do that to a person.

"…" Wrath and Sloth had just walked away from this.

BANG "ow" Bang "ow" bang "oww…" Envy was just continually hitting his head on the floor till he passed out. Run on sentences will do that to a person.

Ed seemed to snap out of his rant mode in time to see that everyone, except Envy who was still banging his head, leave.

"Hey, I actually did it. I really didn't think that would work"

He walked over to all and slid his foot over the transmutation circle, causing it to die. "Come on Al, I'm hungry." He said

Al sighed as he got up and started walking out of the ballroom.

* * *

I'm so sorry for this. I just started thinking, 'hey, aren't they all related or something.

Well this is my first sad attempt at humor. Maybe I'll just stick to the angsty long stories and one-shots.

No flames please.


End file.
